"Stay Awake" - Theodore Finch (All the Bright Places, 2020)
So if you're wondering what brings me here, or why
would someone care to write down sterile pieces of words in front of a screen,
just for some wandering and lonely souls on the internet to read, you're
actually wondering right about this amateur writer. Yes, I do write a lot for
strangers I will never meet in my whole life, but that doesn't stop me from doing
so. It seems the only chore that I take so seriously from the beginning of my
life, and it will forever be my grounded way of reflecting upon the past and
understanding the uncertain future. Hardest part of it is that I would not
always make it right. Words and feelings don't get along too well, they tend to
be confused and get mixed up all inside our messy thoughts. But it's also
truth, my fellow reader, that in effort and strong willed beings, lies inside a
powerful contract with humanity: trying, although you might actually fail at
the beginning. But try first...
When you take your time to do something nobody (or at
least almost anybody) does, even if you try hard, you're bringing to life one
hell of an art, an approachable investment for others to use, to hear, to
listen, to read; to make those others feel understood, in company, or maybe
identified and finally recognized. Society in general tends to negate that
feeling to all people going around our mad world. It makes you invisible to the
point of nausea, it tears individuality apart for the sake of normativity and
social functioning. It makes you a small gear in a big iron system that works
with replacements and spare parts. So if you get lost or break, you're replaced
by a new and shinny small gear. No humanity, no consideration, just a mere
replacement done by a giant monster made of iron. Let's break with that, shall
we? Seems boring and emptying. It IS boring and emptying... It's an internal
shout-out to ourselves, a pure reminder of what we should NOT do as humans
beings that want to make footprints all over this precious land we call Earth.
As a teenager I had a teacher that would always come
to me, and talk in a sort of strange whisper to my ear. He asked like every
class why I was afraid of participating. "I clearly see you know the
answer when I look at you. Why don't you raise your hand?". A tough
question he pulled out indeed. The truth is that I didn't know the reason. I
felt ashamed and tiny. I felt my answers were foolish or too obvious. I was
wrong. I kinda felt an amused introversion towards socializing my own knowledge
to people I already disliked or they disliked me back. "Why would they
care anyways? They won't care, I'm sure of that", that would be the
constant statement I did to myself every day. In part, I was right. There
actually were some students that didn't mind my existence, let alone my
thoughts and ideas. The interesting fact is not everybody shared that same vibe
towards me. When I finally accepted myself and came out of my inner frozen
state of shame, I made maybe some appealing commentaries on social subjects and
maybe one or two souls began to bend towards my vibe. Thus, my teacher, that
already began to feel himself some sort of "student savior", came to
me after literature class and uttered his usual and rare tone of whisper to my
ear: "See? It's a matter of acceptance. Now make it yours. Be proud of
being a nerd". Those words now stick in my brain like a living moto, a
really deep and useful one. After this, I began writing like if my life
depended on it. I never brag about my hobby, it's just something I do that
reminds me of staying truthful to myself, or maybe to stay awake (like Theodore
in the movie All the Bright Places). There's nothing wrong in liking books, in
being introverted, in being deep while everybody is trying to stay cool or show
relaxed, just not to bother social standards of being "happy" all the
fucking time. The effort put on propelling yourself into the highest version of
YOU that could possibly be attained, is an underestimated value our society
decides to ignore. It tears us apart, it makes us less human, more separated
from our inner selves, more cheating... Fake... Compulsive liars with no rhyme
nor reason, stuffed with excuses and resentment. Break it. Break the cage,
stick out your arms and hands, communicate, fight for values you find appealing
and necessary. If you don't make yourself your own life savior, nobody will.
Save yourself first. I learned that the hard way, but that's another story.
